Me:? yeah, mumble, mumble
It's not that I don't LIKE other blogs.? I usually love them.? The knowledge though that there are sooooo many other cancer blogs bums me out, to be honest.? But?I said I would check it out, so I did.
Wow.? You should check it out too:? Secrets of Cancerhood
So many things the author wrote resonate with me.? One topic really spoke to me, guilt and cancer.? I know what you're thinking.? I think it too.? Why should I feel guilty?? Cancer wasn't my fault, at least as far as we can tell.
But I do.? At times the guilt is overwhelming.? I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just jump into the deep end.? I have horrible guilty feelings that I might die and leave my children without a mother.? Eric without a wife and partner.? They don't deserve that.? I don't dwell on this constantly, but it pops into my head from time to time.? Cancer is very unforgiving and just plain mean.? I know this is a possibility.? And yet when I think about it, there's no way I regret the kids or Eric.? The world is a better place with Reese and Eli in it, for sure.?
I feel guilty that I can't even take care of myself sometimes (okay, most times) on chemo weekends.? What if it gets worse?? I feel guilty that Eric has to pack my butt wound every day, even though he says he doesn't mind.? I feel guilty that I won't feel good enough to go to the church family outing this Friday because of treatment.? I feel guilty that Eli had a very small cupcake party instead of a super cool birthday party because his birthday fell on a chemo weekend.? I feel guilty that talking about cancer makes Reese feel sad.? I feel guilty when I know these thoughts and feelings will make others sad.? I feel guilty that I can't just be normal.? I even feel guilty when someone else dies and I'm still alive.
It's just one big ball of guilt, guys.
Rationally, I know these things aren't MY fault.? I didn't go seeking cancer, inviting it into my world.? I can't help what the treatments do to me.? I get it, I really do.? Yet there it is.? The guilt.
So what do I do to combat it?? I try to be gentle with myself.? I try to remember that I need to share with others what I'm going through so they can minister to me and my family.? I love on Eric and the kids as much as possible.? I pray for strength and courage and faith.? I try to think about and care for other people when I can.
If you have time, check out the blog I posted, and find her writings about guilt.? She's wise.
Pray for my family and me as we walk this difficult walk.?
Philippians 4:13?? I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Source: http://imsorryforcursing.blogspot.com/2012/07/guilt.html
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